well i'm still closing this thing down, i just didnt want to make it un-readable bc i have old songs and poems on here that i dont want to get rid of.

"to the end"

well this blog is being shut down because of my mother...deedle deedle.  but if you got the email, then you know that there is hope for us all. ;)

"i cant wait forever"

apparently i'm not a part of the volleyball team anymore.  well, we all knew this, but you know what i mean.  or maybe you dont, whatever.  but you know what.  i dont care.  take it.  you can have it.

you can have the volleyball team.  you can have the school pictures and the yearbook.  you can have the lockers in the classrooms and the leaf projects.  you can take the rule about no arm warmers and about not singing in class.  you can take the labels you wrapped around me like a blanket.  take the looks, take the backstabbing, take the gossip.  you can have the expensive chick fil a lunches.  you can have the jocks and the preps.

take it all and choke on it, you bastard.  i know you're reading this.

just dont take hannah and tonia, and i'll manage.

i'm sorry, but the audacity never ceases to amaze me.

i'm so over it and him i could scream.  but tesla's asleep so i wont.

kiss my ass...and i'm glad you think i deserve it, because its one more reason for me to see you in hell.

"you never stop until my final breath is gone..."

new halloween colors and a new background.  woot woot.

"i'll never forget the day i found GOD
in a KITCHEN KNIFE
and on my ARM."

well...i havent done anything today, so i'll post about yesterday.

i went to grace to empty my locker and return a few books that didnt belong to me.  i was proud of myself.  i walked in with my head high, and i looked all of those bastards right in the eye, unashamed.  i gave people hugs...people that had been saying horrible things about me the night before, but when they saw me they had nothing but smiles and tears.  but i smiled and told everyone i loved them and i'd see them later.  bastards.  not everyone, dont get me wrong.  but we all know that there are people there who arent what they seem.

i'm sure its for the best.  or so people are saying.

but the more i think about it, the more i think it is.  of course they're saying it for different reasons, probably because they're happy to be rid of me (can you blame them?  but they dont have the balls to say it to my face).  but my reasoning is that...i dont know, i'm excited about the new school.  and the new people.  my friends from jhs are telling me that i'll love it and i'll fit in good and make friends easy.  that's cool.  and i'm gonna be in honors classes.  that's really exciting, too.  so yeah.

good riddance.

after i did that, i went home.  i watched a couple movies, i.e. saved and hidalgo, which were both decent.  then i chilled with brittany and shana for a while.

drew broke up with me last night, too.  again, i'd have to say good riddance.  i think he's a great guy, but wrong for me.  i see this now, because people arent always true to you in the beginning.  but i'm not into bashing other people on my blog...lol with the exception of a certain, exalted few...so i'm not gonna say anything bad about him.  i really dont have anything bad to say anyway.  he was my boyfriend, now he isnt.  its not the end of the world.  not a tear was shed, and life goes on.  it isnt a big deal.

life is rotating in a completely different direction now.  all ties have been broken and i feel...like i'm in a foreign land.  but its exciting and different.  sometimes the change of scenes is the best part of the play.

i went shopping yesterday too.  i got 3 new cds, thats it.  hehe.

"sometimes it feels like the whole damn world has made itself my enemy"

deedle deedle...right now i'm at my sister's school outside of boston.  ive been enjoying everything up here so perfectly, i almost hate to leave.  but alas, i am boarding a plane tonight at 7:30 to go back to atlanta.   very sad, i know.  but i miss tesla dearly, so it'll be good to see her.

as soon as i get home, i have to face the reality of the drama that awaits me.  it sucks and i hate it and blah blah blah but o well.  i'v come to terms with the fact that i'm going to be attending a different school.  and its scary and all that, but i'm ready to face it.  i really needed this time in boston.  and ive used it well and my outlook is a lot clearer now.  so yeah, its been good.

you know what we've been doing?!?!  running around like crazy!  i got here on satruday and we didnt really do anything saturday except go out to eat...but then on sunday we went walking all over boston!  we did a lot of window shopping and all of that because everything up here is ungodly expensive.  and they're all democrats.  but other than that, its good.

and then on monday we went to massachusetts museum of fine arts...which was SO cool, i love impressionism.  we alos went to the mall on that same day and i bought a new portable cd player because i needed it.  wot woot.

and now today i'm at my sister's chool.  i've been in here classes watching her teach and all that.  its a public school and its about 45 minutes outside of boston...and it has helped me a lot in terms of facing the reality of going back to public school.  so yeah, the idea is still very intemidating but i think itll be good...you just have to look at the long term and not the immediate, and it makes the pill a lot easier to swallow.

ok, now i feel like i'm rambling.  bahumbug.

my new cds KILL.  i love them.  fuck fuck fuck.  i had to throw that in there because i just realized i hadnt used "obscenities" in this post...haha.  ok sorry...woot.

"you kill me well"

i'm leaving for boston in like...2 minutes.

i'm tired of people yelling at me on tblog because i'm republican.

i plan on making a long post when i get back explaining my reasons for choosing the republican party, and maybe then people will leave me the fuck alone.

oops...that's the same language that got me expelled.

MOTHER FUCKER

i hope that answers any questions anyone has on what i think about it.  and the people that screwed me over...i hope you cant sleep tonight.

"you should have never bothered at all."

youre blog has been viewed 6071 times.  wow.  people have been looking at it a lot lately...and there's a reason for that.

well...mr fourman had a meeting with my mom.  and he told her about the cutting, and he suspended me and will possibly expell me.  the reason is because i have cussing on my blog and i "take school matters public".  excuse me, but i thought school matters were public anyway.  they're certainly not private.  i think i know how he got the url for the blog.  and i have speculations as to the alterior motives behind this, but i cant word them as of yet.

so yes, my entire world is unraveling.  i'm leaving for boston tomorrow to spend my suspension time with my sister.  to get away from it and to clear my head.

and drew's upset.  and hurting my feelings, and i think he's doing it on purpose.

i just dont need all this right now.  it makes me want to cut more...but i guess i wont.

president bush killed kerry in the debate earlier tonight.

"i'll take you to the top of this building and push you off,
rush down the stairs just so i can see your face as you hit the street"

well...today was good.  other than picture day being cancelled after i had meticulously gotten ready.  tonia said it was vanity!  lol maybe, but its not like i've got anything to be vain about.  bah.

i've been thinking...about love.  and about how, generally speaking, there are only a few different types of relationships where there is love.  ok, let me expound...

keep in mind that in all of these situations i am speaking purely of 2 people that are genuinely in love.  dont even get me started on the pretenders...

situation a: you have two people who are hopelessly and truly in love.  they are both good people and they help each other to be better people.  neither of them have huge downfalls, so they both "live happily ever after".

situation b: there are two people in love, like situation a, but this is different.  both of the people are quite the opposite of situation a.  they both have problems.  they both have issues that they have to confront, they both have demons.  yet they love each other despite these things, and they hold on and make it through.

situation c: there are two people who are passionately in love.  yet one of them has the type of issues mentioned in the aforementioned situation.  one of them has demons that they must face, one of them has had a hard life and has to face their past.  but the other one, the glorious other, grits their teeth and makes a decision.  they decide, in my perfect love scenarios, that they will hold onto their love despite it all.  so the other, the one with fewer problems and lighter baggge, holds the lost one's hand and leads him or her out of the dark.  hand in hand, they pull through.  the hurt person learns to gradually lean on the strong, and their love is deepened.

all three of these examples end with "happily ever after"...which is something i completely believe in.  why SHOULDNT it end that way?  if you want something to work and are truly in love, then who's to say it wont?  happily ever after is right around the corner...its completely attainable.  dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

i think drew and i were/are the third situation.  he has had some problems, yes...but i didnt really know him throughout those big ones that i'm thinking of.  but i have had tremendous hurts and he has held onto me throughout it.  and slowly he entered my darkness, and slowly he helped me make it through.  and slowly, we walked out of the shadow.  for this i am so grateful.  he knows i love him.

"i'm sorry it took me so long"

homework that i dont feel like doing.

who wants to put leaves in a book anyway?  a deranged mind came up with that.

i finished reading 'the notebook' day before yesterday.  it was...ok.  somewhat cliche.  but good i suppose.  the letters, the way nicholas sparks worded love, was breathtaking.  but the actual plot was lacking.

now i'm 3/4 of the way done with 'lord of the flies', which i've read before but is utterly AMAZING.  and i'm about to start reading 'dracula'.  i actually have never read that before.  so yeah i think it'll be good.

today my mom didnt let me go to school because i've been getting dizzy lately.  hehe, woot woot that was nice.  i was up and everything, and i was getting dressed, and she told me i wasnt going.  so yeah, that was a nice little surprise.

and i think i'm getting surgery on friday, october 15th.  thats in like, 11 days.  but then it'll be done before my party, and that's good.  i actually think i'll be missing spirit week at school.  and that is very sad. but maybe not, i dont know because i'm not sure when spirit week is.

i went shopping today.  woot woot woot.  i got some new things for my party...so yeah. :) i love shopping.

"the days go by so fast"

"if i could take your pain away
i would scream for you
and i'll bleed for you
so you'll never feel this way again
when youre in my arms"

i want a boy to scream that in my face.  i got the idea from someone else, but the more i think about it, the more i want it.

drew's coming home tonight.  i'm so happy about that!  i missed him like crazy.

i'm in a thoughtful state of mind.  kind of an ethreal mood.  i love drew.  and i love love.  and i'm so...bah i'm such a hopeless romantic.

i want to sleep under the stars tonight and i wish drew could be there with me.  but i think i'll just do it anyway and think of him the whole time.

even though life is completely and utterly imperfect, somehow i have found a sort of contentment.

"before you bury yourself alive"

ok, i'm not really into bashing the other party (or them bashing us either) for anything other than ligit things, but this is just too funny.

what kind of ploys do democrats have to pull to get votes?

i think i heard that they're calling him an over-sized oompa loompa on the news stations.

welcome to the south.  republicans are so amazing.

"itll all catch up eventually"

i dont even have time to BLOG anymore.  i'm way too busy.

hey, did yall watch the presidential debate earlier tonight?

president bush is so awesome.

democrats suck.

ok that's my profound (yeah...sure...) thought for now.

off to more homework.

"i'm not the way you think i am...nooooooooooooo"

i feel like my life has no meaning.  this is what happens when you dont talk to your boyfriend for 5 days!  he makes me feel loved...like maybe i'm worth a little something.  and we had this long discussion about 2 weeks ago about how i'm not dependent on anything...i know he remembers it, it was amazing...well i do depend on him somewhat.  *gasp* i know i know, i dont depend on anyone.  but drew's different, and if you havent learned that by now then you dont pay enough attention.

i went to the ear doctor today and i'm getting surgery at like the end of october.  i might even miss halloween, which would be very sad.

october's going to be very busy.

mr pond was at the school today, but i only got to talk to him for a second because i had to make my doctor appointment.  it was so great to see him.  i cried in the car though.

"you were always such a lady"

i miss drew.  a lot.  i missed his goodbye call because my phone was dead.  very sad. *sniff*

i've been working a lot!  go me, i'm so cool...i'm actually working on my homework instead of putting it all off and staying up all night on sunday. (which is what i've done for the past 2 weeks)

i had a much good day on friday.  woot woot. ;) haha, hannah and tonia get it.

i also took a driving class today.  it was gay.  but whatever, it takes money off of insurance, so blah.

"they would not listen, they did not know how"

sometimes it feels like you work so hard to be your own "individual", only to find that you're exactley like someone else.

and the only reason you're "cool" is because the people you surround yourself with havent met the people out there that are just like you.

i'm beginning to think its impossible to be original

so you waste your life trying to be yourself, and purely yourself, but in vain.

"dont believe this science fiction"

today actually wasnt that bad.  i took 3 tests, and i think i did ok on all of them.  there isnt that much homework, and i'm all caught up.  i got sleep last night...woot woot.  and there wasnt volleyball practice.  so i went to the boy's soccer game and they lost.  but tesla won her volleyball game, so that's good :)

we went to chick fil a on the way home.

and now i'm here, answering emails and downloading music.  what a GREAT combination.

we have a really cool asignment in bible class...we're analyzing songs and movies that ask profound question about/to god.

tesla and i are both wearing skirts over our jeans tomorrow.  she dared me and then i dared her back.  fun fun.

well goodbye lovelies!  i'm going to my nana's to spend the night...

"so when no hope was left inside on that starry starry night
you took your life as lovers often do
but i couldve told you
this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you"

well, today was not so great.

you know what's funny?  i dont have that much homework tonight.  i worked SO hard monday and tuesday, and now its paying off...but i procrastinated and so now its 9:30 and i havent done anything.  you would think i'd learn my lesson, but of course not.

and i was supposed to go to church with drew tonight.  but again, did that happen?  but of course not.  my mom wouldnt let me bc im behind in school.  so that was a bigtime downer.

"they think we're falling in love"

it's 5:30 in the morning and i've been working for 15 hours straight, BIATCH!

to hell with you and all your mother fuckin friends

"but all i know"

i think i'm falling into depression.

tesla started her period today.  could life be worse?

of course it could, darling.

i'm beginning to be sincerely apathetic.  about almost everything.  except tesla and drew.

the funny thing is that there really isnt a general cause for this.  no big trauma with my mother or anything of the like.

honestly, all i can think lately is that i wish i could be some element in nature and slowly drift away.

sadly, that cannot happen.

i wish i could lay on the street all night and stare at the stars.  but i cant, i have far too much work to do.  and its one of those nights taht feel like once its gone, itll never return.

i'm trying, really hard, to tell myself that i'm being silly and just looking for ways out of work.  i really am a lazy ass.  i'm sure there'll be other nights just as beautiful.  but for some reason it just doesnt feel that way...

..probably because i want an excuse to tell everyone to go to hell.  especially, especially school and everything school-related.

why couldnt i have been born a tree or something?  instead of awkward, insecure, feeble, inexcusable kayla.

"you'll never feel this way again"

well i'm not in school right now.  i faked sick.  my only reasoning was that i have way more work than i can ever accomplish, so why not put it all off another day.

sometimes i reallly wish i could lay on the pavement and sink into the ground, slowly...

the tar concert was last night.  that was...well...i dont know.  i love that drew and i can be open with each other.  so we talked and stuff afterwards and we came to some absolutes.  we really need to see each other more.  i'm gonna start going to his church on wednesday nights to see him.  so yeah.  the band was ok...drew was right, they have great stage presence...but i was only there to see him.  and in the end, everything was lovely.  the car ride home was perfect.

i feel really melancholy right now.  i want to take a walk and cry my eyes out.  sadly to say, i have too much homework to do that.  i might just do it anyway though.

"if i could take your pain away
i would scream for you
and i'll bleed for you so you'll never feel this way again
when your in my arms again
i would scream for you
i will bleed for you"

last night i really wanted to cut myself.  but drew helped me through it.  and i didnt.

sick and tired of this world
there's no more air
tripping over myself, going nowhere
waiting, suffocating
no direction...i took a dive and

on the way down, i saw you and you saved me from myself
and i wont forget the way you loved me
and on the way down, i almost fell right through
but i held onto you

i been wondering why its only me
have you always been inside waiting to breathe?
its alright, sunlight on my face
i wake up and i'm alive cus

on the way down, i saw you and you saved me from myself
and i wont forget the way you loved me
and on the way down, i almost fell right through
but i held onto you

i was so afraid of going under

but now the weight of the world feels like nothing
no, nothing

[down down down] you're all i wanted
[down down down] you're all i needed
[down down down] you're all i wanted, you're all i needed

...and i wont forget the way you loved me
all that i wanted, all that i needed now...

oh on the way down, i saw you and you saved me from myself
and i wont forget the way you loved me and
on the way down, i almost fell right through
but i held onto you

and i held onto you

[down down down]

and i held onto you

[echos]

"you saved me"

ok the quality aint great, but i got it off drew's band's site.

[link]

aint he just a looker? ;)

"if i could take your pain away"

i'm prosing on the topic of stereotypes with drew.  for some reason, that's been nagging at me lately.  but i dont feel like posting it on here.  it's more thought than i want to delve into at 1:30 in the morning.  i overthink things entirely too much.  i wish i could get around that.  but alas, i cannot.  it haunts me.

tesla noticed the scars on my leg today.  i lied to her about their origin.  i hate it when i lie.  but that's too shameful a story to tell.

i'm far too proud.

well my 16th birthday is upon us and i've been musing on what certain people would be getting me.  i have a very nice idea in mind for a certain guy...but i cannot speak thus, it wouldnt be right.  hmmm *wanders off into thought*

SEE...i think too much.

i went for a walk today because it was the most glorious afternoon.  never before has there been a sky so clear, a breeze perfectly chill.  i was happy in those moments.  i wish drew could've been there, though.  i love those kind of walks.  i'm such a hopeless romantic.

walking hand in hand, almost christmas.  its dark and cold, and you can see your breath on the air.  the sky is so clear, you can almost touch the stars.  you walk with the person you love, your hand in theirs and say nothing.  you bask in each others presence and are joyful from it.  i want that.

"you're all i needed"

as i sit here with a stupid strip thing on my nose...looking like a complete fool, mind you...i cant help but feel that life is utterly surreal.  at least, it is for me right now.  for some reason unknown to anyone other than the cosmos, everything is ok.  better than ok...everything is great.  i am happy.

i am not fighting with my mother at all.  this never, i repeat, never happens.  in fact, i'm not fighting with anyone at all.

i'm bringing all my grades up...i got an 'a' on my spanish test, and that'll really help that grade.

my mom said yes to the november 3rd appointment...so yes, on november 3rd, i'll have my lisence.  drew's so jealous...he wishes he was as "old" as i am! ;) lol

i have great friends.

my birthday party plans have been approved.

i havent been to school in 3 days.

tomorrow i'm going to see my love.

i'm in love with drew.

the house is clean.

i've been burning cds.

i'm just happy.  this is bizarre, but in the most amazing way.  please, dont let it end.

"this will kill you sooner than my expectations"