well i'm still closing this thing down, i just didnt want to make it un-readable bc i have old songs and poems on here that i dont want to get rid of.

"to the end"

well this blog is being shut down because of my mother...deedle deedle.  but if you got the email, then you know that there is hope for us all. ;)

"i cant wait forever"

apparently i'm not a part of the volleyball team anymore.  well, we all knew this, but you know what i mean.  or maybe you dont, whatever.  but you know what.  i dont care.  take it.  you can have it.

you can have the volleyball team.  you can have the school pictures and the yearbook.  you can have the lockers in the classrooms and the leaf projects.  you can take the rule about no arm warmers and about not singing in class.  you can take the labels you wrapped around me like a blanket.  take the looks, take the backstabbing, take the gossip.  you can have the expensive chick fil a lunches.  you can have the jocks and the preps.

take it all and choke on it, you bastard.  i know you're reading this.

just dont take hannah and tonia, and i'll manage.

i'm sorry, but the audacity never ceases to amaze me.

i'm so over it and him i could scream.  but tesla's asleep so i wont.

kiss my ass...and i'm glad you think i deserve it, because its one more reason for me to see you in hell.

"you never stop until my final breath is gone..."

new halloween colors and a new background.  woot woot.

"i'll never forget the day i found GOD
in a KITCHEN KNIFE
and on my ARM."

well...i havent done anything today, so i'll post about yesterday.

i went to grace to empty my locker and return a few books that didnt belong to me.  i was proud of myself.  i walked in with my head high, and i looked all of those bastards right in the eye, unashamed.  i gave people hugs...people that had been saying horrible things about me the night before, but when they saw me they had nothing but smiles and tears.  but i smiled and told everyone i loved them and i'd see them later.  bastards.  not everyone, dont get me wrong.  but we all know that there are people there who arent what they seem.

i'm sure its for the best.  or so people are saying.

but the more i think about it, the more i think it is.  of course they're saying it for different reasons, probably because they're happy to be rid of me (can you blame them?  but they dont have the balls to say it to my face).  but my reasoning is that...i dont know, i'm excited about the new school.  and the new people.  my friends from jhs are telling me that i'll love it and i'll fit in good and make friends easy.  that's cool.  and i'm gonna be in honors classes.  that's really exciting, too.  so yeah.

good riddance.

after i did that, i went home.  i watched a couple movies, i.e. saved and hidalgo, which were both decent.  then i chilled with brittany and shana for a while.

drew broke up with me last night, too.  again, i'd have to say good riddance.  i think he's a great guy, but wrong for me.  i see this now, because people arent always true to you in the beginning.  but i'm not into bashing other people on my blog...lol with the exception of a certain, exalted few...so i'm not gonna say anything bad about him.  i really dont have anything bad to say anyway.  he was my boyfriend, now he isnt.  its not the end of the world.  not a tear was shed, and life goes on.  it isnt a big deal.

life is rotating in a completely different direction now.  all ties have been broken and i feel...like i'm in a foreign land.  but its exciting and different.  sometimes the change of scenes is the best part of the play.

i went shopping yesterday too.  i got 3 new cds, thats it.  hehe.

"sometimes it feels like the whole damn world has made itself my enemy"

deedle deedle...right now i'm at my sister's school outside of boston.  ive been enjoying everything up here so perfectly, i almost hate to leave.  but alas, i am boarding a plane tonight at 7:30 to go back to atlanta.   very sad, i know.  but i miss tesla dearly, so it'll be good to see her.

as soon as i get home, i have to face the reality of the drama that awaits me.  it sucks and i hate it and blah blah blah but o well.  i'v come to terms with the fact that i'm going to be attending a different school.  and its scary and all that, but i'm ready to face it.  i really needed this time in boston.  and ive used it well and my outlook is a lot clearer now.  so yeah, its been good.

you know what we've been doing?!?!  running around like crazy!  i got here on satruday and we didnt really do anything saturday except go out to eat...but then on sunday we went walking all over boston!  we did a lot of window shopping and all of that because everything up here is ungodly expensive.  and they're all democrats.  but other than that, its good.

and then on monday we went to massachusetts museum of fine arts...which was SO cool, i love impressionism.  we alos went to the mall on that same day and i bought a new portable cd player because i needed it.  wot woot.

and now today i'm at my sister's chool.  i've been in here classes watching her teach and all that.  its a public school and its about 45 minutes outside of boston...and it has helped me a lot in terms of facing the reality of going back to public school.  so yeah, the idea is still very intemidating but i think itll be good...you just have to look at the long term and not the immediate, and it makes the pill a lot easier to swallow.

ok, now i feel like i'm rambling.  bahumbug.

my new cds KILL.  i love them.  fuck fuck fuck.  i had to throw that in there because i just realized i hadnt used "obscenities" in this post...haha.  ok sorry...woot.

"you kill me well"

i'm leaving for boston in like...2 minutes.

i'm tired of people yelling at me on tblog because i'm republican.

i plan on making a long post when i get back explaining my reasons for choosing the republican party, and maybe then people will leave me the fuck alone.

oops...that's the same language that got me expelled.

MOTHER FUCKER

i hope that answers any questions anyone has on what i think about it.  and the people that screwed me over...i hope you cant sleep tonight.

"you should have never bothered at all."

youre blog has been viewed 6071 times.  wow.  people have been looking at it a lot lately...and there's a reason for that.

well...mr fourman had a meeting with my mom.  and he told her about the cutting, and he suspended me and will possibly expell me.  the reason is because i have cussing on my blog and i "take school matters public".  excuse me, but i thought school matters were public anyway.  they're certainly not private.  i think i know how he got the url for the blog.  and i have speculations as to the alterior motives behind this, but i cant word them as of yet.

so yes, my entire world is unraveling.  i'm leaving for boston tomorrow to spend my suspension time with my sister.  to get away from it and to clear my head.

and drew's upset.  and hurting my feelings, and i think he's doing it on purpose.

i just dont need all this right now.  it makes me want to cut more...but i guess i wont.

president bush killed kerry in the debate earlier tonight.

"i'll take you to the top of this building and push you off,
rush down the stairs just so i can see your face as you hit the street"

well...today was good.  other than picture day being cancelled after i had meticulously gotten ready.  tonia said it was vanity!  lol maybe, but its not like i've got anything to be vain about.  bah.

i've been thinking...about love.  and about how, generally speaking, there are only a few different types of relationships where there is love.  ok, let me expound...

keep in mind that in all of these situations i am speaking purely of 2 people that are genuinely in love.  dont even get me started on the pretenders...

situation a: you have two people who are hopelessly and truly in love.  they are both good people and they help each other to be better people.  neither of them have huge downfalls, so they both "live happily ever after".

situation b: there are two people in love, like situation a, but this is different.  both of the people are quite the opposite of situation a.  they both have problems.  they both have issues that they have to confront, they both have demons.  yet they love each other despite these things, and they hold on and make it through.

situation c: there are two people who are passionately in love.  yet one of them has the type of issues mentioned in the aforementioned situation.  one of them has demons that they must face, one of them has had a hard life and has to face their past.  but the other one, the glorious other, grits their teeth and makes a decision.  they decide, in my perfect love scenarios, that they will hold onto their love despite it all.  so the other, the one with fewer problems and lighter baggge, holds the lost one's hand and leads him or her out of the dark.  hand in hand, they pull through.  the hurt person learns to gradually lean on the strong, and their love is deepened.

all three of these examples end with "happily ever after"...which is something i completely believe in.  why SHOULDNT it end that way?  if you want something to work and are truly in love, then who's to say it wont?  happily ever after is right around the corner...its completely attainable.  dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

i think drew and i were/are the third situation.  he has had some problems, yes...but i didnt really know him throughout those big ones that i'm thinking of.  but i have had tremendous hurts and he has held onto me throughout it.  and slowly he entered my darkness, and slowly he helped me make it through.  and slowly, we walked out of the shadow.  for this i am so grateful.  he knows i love him.

"i'm sorry it took me so long"

homework that i dont feel like doing.

who wants to put leaves in a book anyway?  a deranged mind came up with that.

i finished reading 'the notebook' day before yesterday.  it was...ok.  somewhat cliche.  but good i suppose.  the letters, the way nicholas sparks worded love, was breathtaking.  but the actual plot was lacking.

now i'm 3/4 of the way done with 'lord of the flies', which i've read before but is utterly AMAZING.  and i'm about to start reading 'dracula'.  i actually have never read that before.  so yeah i think it'll be good.

today my mom didnt let me go to school because i've been getting dizzy lately.  hehe, woot woot that was nice.  i was up and everything, and i was getting dressed, and she told me i wasnt going.  so yeah, that was a nice little surprise.

and i think i'm getting surgery on friday, october 15th.  thats in like, 11 days.  but then it'll be done before my party, and that's good.  i actually think i'll be missing spirit week at school.  and that is very sad. but maybe not, i dont know because i'm not sure when spirit week is.

i went shopping today.  woot woot woot.  i got some new things for my party...so yeah. :) i love shopping.

"the days go by so fast"

"if i could take your pain away
i would scream for you
and i'll bleed for you
so you'll never feel this way again
when youre in my arms"

i want a boy to scream that in my face.  i got the idea from someone else, but the more i think about it, the more i want it.

drew's coming home tonight.  i'm so happy about that!  i missed him like crazy.

i'm in a thoughtful state of mind.  kind of an ethreal mood.  i love drew.  and i love love.  and i'm so...bah i'm such a hopeless romantic.

i want to sleep under the stars tonight and i wish drew could be there with me.  but i think i'll just do it anyway and think of him the whole time.

even though life is completely and utterly imperfect, somehow i have found a sort of contentment.

"before you bury yourself alive"